Journey of healing..

It's been a month since Pipimon suddenly passed away..

I am eternally grateful to my group of best friends who stood by myself during this period of sadness & lost. A millions thanks to Brendan, Welly, Santi, Nathaniel, Elson & Wany for always being there for me whether if I need someone to talk to on the phone, a person to rant to on Whatsapp or to meet up in the middle of the night because I am lonely and crave human company..

Many other friends also expressed their condolences to me by messaging me on Facebook, Twitter, SMS, Whatsapp and calling me.

It is hard to lose someone close to you, regardless if it's a friend, lover, sibling, parent. Especially when you are the one who found the body.

We had plans to go to Europe from 13Nov-25Nov, visiting Paris followed by Amsterdam. Our initial plan was to go to Hokkaido in October but my leave was not approved and I had to cancel the trip. I thought of Europe cos it's the low season during winter and I always wanted to go to Paris. My next choice was Italy, but he wanted to go to Amsterdam and I can't change at the last minute cos accommodations  train tickets and flights are all booked.

Instead of cancelling the trip, I sent his ticket for refund and I went ahead with the trip alone. Many people said I am brave to go to Europe all by myself but to me, it's not just a holiday. It is a healing journey. The 2 weeks in Europe alone probably saved my sanity, because I was in a different place and had so many other things to think about other than dwelling on the unhappiness and shock of Pipimon's death.

It's a free and easy tour so I have to make all the decisions and arrangements by myself..

1. Where to go?
2. How to get there?
3. What to eat?

In a different environment, you are too preoccupied with experiencing new sights, smells, tastes, etc that you won't really have the chance to think about unhappy stuff. It feels like I am on one of my tourleading assignment, staying in the hotel room by myself and wandering around by myself without Pipimon.. only difference is I don't have to face any customers or report to anyone. My time, all the time.

So I am really grateful that Brendan spared the time to video conference me for a few hours everyday when I was in Paris. Wany also skyped with me a few times.. And a few of my other friends who constantly whatsapp me to make sure I am still safe and alive...

During the 2 weeks in Europe, I did not manage to stay in constant contact with my friends because Europe has a 7 hours time difference to Singapore. When I sleep at 10pm in Paris, it'll be 5am in Singapore.. So usually when I reaches home there is no one to chat with.. I only managed to chat with Wany once when I was in Paris because I went home early (4pm local time, 11pm Singapore time).. The only person that stayed in constant contact with me was Brendan cos he is always online during the day as he needs Skype to  conduct his work with his overseas counterparts.. Usually I will wake up at 6am local time and spend the first 2 hours of the day chatting with him or just sharing about my previous day before getting ready to go out and explore Paris. I was unable to skype with him in Amsterdam cos I woke up really late, like 11am or 12noon cos Amsterdam is basically a nightlife city where most of the shops open late so I will stay out really late and wake up late. 

Surprisingly I enjoyed myself a lot in Paris even though it has a reputation of being a place full of stuck-up locals.. the food was great, the weather was lovely though on a few days it's really cold and windy, Eiffel Tower looks much better in real life than in pictures and the locals were very friendly and nice to me. I had one of my braces band fell out and I searched on google for a dentist and she fixed it for me even though it's closing hours and she did not charge me a single cent!

Amsterdam was horrible at first because the place I booked initially is in a super dodgy place where I have to climb 4 flights of narrow stairs up to the apartment where the room I lived in is super smelly cos it smelt of cannabis and cigarette.. :( I endured one horrible night there before I managed to find another place to move.. The first few days were really foggy and there's nothing to be seen.. It's like a scene from "The Mist" and I kept imagining giant insects flying out of the fog and attacking me.. Instead of giant insects, I got dodgy men who were drunk or high on drugs harassing me at the first place I stayed in. 

I am really touched that my "Rah-rah Team" came to send me off and meet me when I return from Europe! Brendan came to my house to pick me up and Welly, Santi & Elson came to my house to meet up before 5 of them went down to the airport together to meet Nathaniel there. Brendan also sent me home when I came back to Singapore.. I am so happy to see all 5 of them when I came back because I touched down at 6am and it's freaking early to be at the airport at that time! 

Even though Pipimon left me, I am lucky to be surrounded by friends and people who love me. I am blessed that I am not alone and there are always people who loves me and cares for me.. Nothing comforts a grieving girl better than a good support system.

It's been 2 weeks since I am back but I am busy with work because I am working the midnight shift now for the extra allowance.. the allowance is 50% of my basic salary so that's a lot of extra money.. I need to work really hard to support myself and Chloe since I may have to move out of our apartment soon as the contract is void with Pipimon's death (he signed it, not me) and I have to find another place to live in a few months time. As I have Chloe and lots of stuff, I need to find a whole apartment to rent by myself and with today's market.. it's quite difficult to manage by myself.. But we'll see how it goes.. 

Wish me courage, luck and hope. :)