Birthdays for me, are never a happy and joyous affair since we got together 4 years ago.
Every single year, we will build up this stupid, pointless quarrel and toxic environment when it's nearing my birthday, and once my birthday is over.. you will revert back to the guy I love instead of this crazy monster whom I don't recognize at all.
We had a screaming match on my 20th birthday.. and to avoid that happening on my 21st birthday, I asked Wany to accompany me to Thailand because I don't want to be near you and suffer another screaming match when I am having my 21st birthday and have the horrible memory burnt in my mind forever.
I really envy other girls when their boyfriends make special plans for their birthday.. Even if it's cheesy stuff like buying flowers, writing mushy cards, arranging a special candle light dinner or organizing a surprise birthday party.
My colleague is making a photo album just for his girlfriend for their 1st anniversary. What about us?
Come to think of it, I have not received a single card from you. I wrote you birthday cards for our anniversaries and your birthdays until I realized you don't really care for them and leave them aside and forget about them. It's just a waste of my time, effort and money. Did you know I threw all of them away? Or did you even bother to remember that I gave you those cards?
I received a bouquet of flowers (that came free with the dinner package) during the ONLY Valentine's Day that we celebrated in 2007 at Vivocity. Another bouquet of blue roses on our 1453th attempt to break off our relationship that you left on our bed with a small tag that said "I'm sorry".. Have you forgotten about it?
Instead of making arrangements for my birthday for me, I have to do all the planning on my own. You will try his best to destroy my plans by pouring being a wet blanket and ultra-negative and super sarcastic when I share my plans with you.
On my 22nd birthday, I planned a birthday party at Aranda and invited my close friends and colleagues. One month prior the party, you kept complaining that the party is expensive, people are not appreciative and they come and eat and leave.. blah blah blah, make stupid sarcastic remarks that caused me to be so depressed, I took 1 month unpaid leave and un-invited all my colleagues and friends to the "party" I planned. In the end, at the very last minute.. I decided to invite just my close friends along as everything is planned and paid for and I really enjoy having "events". I very nicely offered to have you ask your friends along as well, 80% of them are half-fucks who came, drink over 10 bottles of my liquor that I brought, made a fucking fool of themselves and didn't even bring me a birthday gift!
Last year on my 23rd birthday, we had a cheap dinner at Suan Thai and I didn't even had a birthday cake! Not a small fucking slice of pathetic sponge cake with a pathetic fucking candle on top of it.
I flew to Japan for work on 23 October, and I remembered going to a bakery at Osaka and bought a mini-cake and ate it by myself in the hotel room at night.. Afterwards, I felt so full of self-pity that I cried myself to sleep. Damn fucking pathetic.
I received a $100 angbao from my ex-colleagues, a pretty apron from Tabby and best of all, Wany very generously treated me to a 4D3N trip to Hong Kong and also bought me an Agnes B pouch. I don't remember you buying any presents for me.
When I asked you how are you gonna celebrate my 24th birthday for me, and what are you buying for me, all you said was "I give you $100 a day, what more you want??" and shit like "If I don't give you money I can buy present for you". I sometimes think that you speak without thinking or considering if it will hurt my feelings.
Sometimes I feel that you resent me growing older.. You fell in love with the 18yr old me, the carefree me, the girl from a rich family who is now reduced to rags and you resent and hate that I am growing up and becoming more matured and forward-thinking. You try ways and means to make me miserable to make yourself feel better.
I worked in a job I loved alot but unfortunately did not appreciate me and underpaid me. Instead of encouraging me, you said I deserve it for being loyal to a company. When I left and found a better job, and you became resentful and sarcastic as I am earning more than I did before and you felt insecure and accused me or being big-headed and full of myself.
Is it a character mis-matched? Or are we too different to mold ourselves to fit into this relationship?
I am sick of all the arguments, the cold wars and the pointless SMS wars.
What's the point of "sorry" or "forgive me" when the same situation keeps on repeating itself?
What's the point of saying sorry if you don't even mean it? Or even understand why you need to say it? Or worse.. when you don't even understand the hurt and pain you caused and saying an insincere "sorry" that I was willing to accept because I loved you and was willing to lie to myself and tell myself that "all will be good if I just believe" when I know it's just straws I am grasping at?
You promised to change. You promised to love me. But I guess, it's good that I am always skeptical and cynical when it comes to love, it somewhat lessens the pain I feel when you talked to me like as if I was a murderer who killed your father and raped your mother.
I think this proves that my theories are always right, no matter how hard I try to argue against them and try to proof that perfect marriages just don't exist in our current society, it's a cold cold fact.
True love only exists in the past era, in fairytales and in movies and books that are churned out to deceive the world and create a false imagery or happiness.
Don't give me the bullshit of "forever in love" or "happily ever after". It doesn't happen in our modern day society. Maybe back in the 1950s, 1960s, 1970s and possibly the 1980s.. marriages do last forever. Now? It'll be a miracle if you even walk down the aisle together without scratching the other person's face off.
It's funny how things change in a blink of an eye. One moment it's going great and the next moment you're fucking sick of looking at the person you thought you loved. Sweet nothings become words of venom and poison. I don't know if I should feel hurt, shocked or angry with the tone and words that was hurled at me.
I don't want to lie and fake and pretend that I have a perfect boyfriend who will do anything and everything for me, because he won't.
There were indeed happy memories, but somehow, they are not enough to cover the pain and sadness that you inflicted on me.
Maybe it's really time to move on.
No comments:
Post a Comment