Pipimon passed away...

This is my 777th post.

I am so utterly shocked, upset and guilty right now.

I came back late on Friday night, reached home around 1am and went to buy Macdonalds before walking home.. I finished so late as I wanted to clear up all my work to have a worry-free weekend with Pipimon before going back to the office next Tuesday.

At 2pm after my lunch, I called Pipimon but he did not answer my call.. He messaged me around 1.30pm so I thought he was sleeping.. I called him again at 6.15pm after my work but he did not answer.. I called a few times and still no response..

At 10.30pm, I sms him telling him "I have so much work to do :( Still in the office", but still no reply.

I tried calling him using my office phone and handphone but still no response.

This is not the first time that I am trying to contact him but unable to reach him. There were cases before where he fell asleep and was in such a deep sleep due to his medication that he can't hear the phone ring, or he left the house in a hurry for work and did not bring his phone..

At 12midnight, my colleagues who are working the night shift offered me a ride home and on the way I keep trying to call him but no answer.

I was still calm as I thought he was too busy to go home to collect his phone, since it's so late and he couldn't be sleeping at this time.

I bought my supper and walked slowly back.. on the way I tried to call him 3 more times but no response..

At the corridor, I saw his bike and my first thought was "He's at home! Must be sleeping.. lazy pig! Hope he don't snatch my french fries!"..

When I opened the door, I felt a sense of dread as the house felt empty.. Chloe is there, but she did not come and greet me like she used to.. the house is dark but I can hear the fan in the room... I turned on the light and shouted "Pipimon! Are you there?".. There wasn't any response but Chloe was barking..

I ran into the room and it was empty!

Strange.. where can he be?

I ran to the toilet and it's empty!

Where the hell is he??

I walked to the side of the bed and there he was, lying sideways... I yelled his name, "PIPIMON! I AM HOME!!!" But there's no response.. "Pipimon! Don't play! Why you sleeping on the floor??"

I touched his feet and they were cold.. stiff and he was not moving!

"PIPIMON! WHY ARE YOU NOT MOVING! PIPIMON!!!!"

No response...

I saw the blood near his head and the truth hits me like a 10000 ton truck..

"He's dead." I told myself..

I yelled at him again... "PIPIMON WAKE UP!".. but he did not move. Then I tried to plead and beg... "Pipimon... wake up please.... we are going to Paris next week! Please please please wake up!"

All the while I was grabbing his feet and shaking him but he refused to move.

I dialled 995 and was hyperventilating.. I told the dispatch "My boyfriend is not breathing.. I think he is dead. My address is Blk XX Bendemeer Road #XX-XXX".

Less than 10 mins later, the paramedics arrived.. they pronounced him dead at 1.08am on 5Nov.

The lady paramedic than told me they have to hand the case to the police and they will be here shortly.

At 1.45am, the two policemen came and looked at the body and asked me a few questions:

1. Was the door locked when you came back?
2. Did he complain of any pain recently?
3. When was the last time you saw him?
4. When was the last time you spoke to him?
5. Who was the last person who saw him?
6. Does he have any medical history?
7. Who is his family doctor?
8. Who is his immediate family?

To the last question, I said "Me. He only has me."

Pipimon's parents passed away years ago. His dad died of heart attack in his 30s and his mum died of kidney failure less than 10years ago.. His siblings are missing cos they have some argument over his mum's medical bills and proceeds of the sale of their house.

The only person I could think of to call is his cousin, Kak Enah. 

Pipimon is a Muslim and I don't want to do anything wrongly. I don't want him to end up in hell or some horrible place just because I screwed up his funeral or burial.. Moreover, Kak Enah and her family is the closest relatives that Pipimon has.

They came around 3am and informed some of his other friends and relatives..

At this moment, time was a blur.. I only remember sitting down on my bed, looking down on Pipimon's body and begging him to wake up before the coroner come and take his body away.. I touched his feet, tried to uncurl his clenched fingers.. I touched his face which was blue-black and bruised.. I pinched his "pipi" (cheeks) and all the while I keep begging him to wake up but he just lay there..

His body became stiffer and colder and his body started to turn blue-black all over.

I keep crying and blaming myself because I finished work at 6pm and should be home by 7pm or latest by 8pm.. I should have found something fishy and rushed home when he did not answer his phone call... The guilt was overpowering, overwhelming and I felt so bad.

A mountain of regret and guilt washed over me.

Why did I stayed back in the office till 12am+? It's the latest I've ever stayed back (on my birthday I stayed till 10.45pm but I spoke to Pipimon on the phone a few times). Why did I not rush back to check on him when he did not answer my phone? Why did we spent our last weekend quarreling? Why was I so harsh on him? Why was I so mean with my words?

Sitting on the bed, looking at his body, I felt angry with him.

Why did he have to die on a Friday night? Why didn't he have a heart attack on Thursday night cos I was home early around 8pm.. Why didn't he choose Saturday instead since I will be with him the whole day? Why Friday? Why today? Why why why why why why??!?!?!?!?!??!?!!? 

I sat there thinking, did he suffer? What time did he exactly died? How long did he suffer before he died? Did he die just 1hour before I came back? Would I be able to save him? Will I feel worse if he died in my arms or if I found his dead body? What was his last thoughts? Did he think of me? Did he try to send a telepathic message to me saying that he love me? Was it painful? Why are there so much blood? Did he bite his tongue?

Guilt, regret, anger, sorrow, grief, disbelief, fear..

I never ever experience so many strong waves of emotions in my life before.

Then I sat on the floor and hold onto his feet before the coroner took Pipimon's body away.. That will be the last time that I will have the chance to touch him..

I was then informed that I have to be at SGH at 8am tomorrow to collect the body.

I took my phone and SMSed a few of my close friends.. Telling them that I found Pipimon dead beside my bed and I am going to SGH in the morning.. I used his phone to SMS his two best friends and one of them called me back immediately, saying he will pick me up tomorrow and send me to SGH. His other friend is in Jakarta and he said he will fly in on the earliest flight he can catch..

From this point, my memory is kinda hazy cos I was zonked out. I was so upset that I had to be held when I walked..

Pipimon's friend sent me to SGH mortuary.. he sat with me until my friends came and he left cos he needed to work.. One by one my friends started to come.. Santi, Welly, Money, Nathaniel, Tim, Joyce, Wayne and Pipimon's relatives and friends came too..

Welly & Santi went to buy cakes and tea for me and they all tried to convince me to eat something but I was so upset that I felt like vomiting and fainting and had no appetite at all.

I reached there at 8am but couldn't claim the body as his cousin's husband provided his details to the police when they came.. I had to wait for his family to come (late) at 8.45am before we were given a number (11) and to wait for the state coroner to release the body..

They allowed 2 persons inside to view the body, so his cousin's husband must be there since his details were recorded and they let me in too. I would have thrown a bitch fit if I was kept out.

We were shown into a room and there's a glass panel. Behind the panel is where the bodies are wheeled so the family members can view and verify that it's the correct body. I cried uncontrollably at this point cos his face was blackish and his body was covered in a body bag. His face was frozen in pain and I felt so terrible and sad I nearly fainted.

I staggered out of the room and remembered hugging Santi and crying like crazy.. than we went back to the waiting area and waited for 1hr+ as the state coroner need to certify if the cause of death was natural or unnatural..

Around 11am+, they declared his death to be natural causes and released the body. He was sent to a Mosque beside the Muslim Cemetery.. I don't know the exact name cos I left all the details to my friends who were holding on to my handphone and handbag.. Pipimon's handphone is with his friend as he need to call his other friends to inform..

Two of his friends were there, and I hugged both of them and cried like mad again.. Than we stood around waiting for his body to be cleansed and wrapped..

My phone kept ringing non-stop and messages kept pouring in because I posted on Facebook that Pipimon passed away..

I had no mood to talk to anyone or reply any messages. I was like a sad, sobbing zombie. But I remember talking to Wanwen, Elson and my team leader Elaine.. not sure if I spoke to anyone else.. it was such a blur.

The body was cleansed and they wrapped his body in a white cloth and only left his eyes uncovered.. than they invited everyone to see him for the last time but we can't touch him.. 

Than they carried his body outside the cleansing room and covered it with a metal cover and carried it into the prayer area.. only men were allowed so the women had to wait outside.. After a short prayer, he was sent to the burial site..

I remembered walking to the mini bus which Pipimon's friend arranged at super short notice for us, and I saw Brendan walking towards us.. I was shuffling towards him and I saw sadness in his face which was a reflection of my own sadness.. I did not say anything but just hugged him and cried... 

Than we all went to the burial side and they lowered his body into the grave.. putting a wooden rectangle around his body, than put a piece of wood on top before putting soil into the grave. There was no coffin.

After the soil was half filled, a man said prayers and I was told to scatter flowers all over his grave... My hands were shaking and my whole body was trembling.. Trying hard to control my sobs... I hear many sobs behind me as they see me struggle with this simple task... Strong, brave, happy Jasmine is a sobbing mess now with shaky hands scattering flowers over Pipimon's grave.. Cheerful, friendly Pipimon who is always cracking lame jokes but is now underneath a few feet of soil..

Afterwards I shuffled my way out of the burial site onto the pathway...

His niece thanked everyone for coming and asked for forgiveness on behalf of Pipimon and informed everyone that whoever lent Pipimon money can go to them.. 

Than Brendan sent me, Santi, Welly and Nathaniel to my house.. Wayne & Joyce fetched Money to SGH to collect her car cos she rode in the bus with us.. They all came to my house to accompany me..

Vivien and Janice (my ex-colleagues from CTC) came to my house after work and gave me money like what we do when we go to a chinese funeral.. I told them to keep their money but they insisted.. it is quite a big amount.. My other friends wanted to give me but they felt awkward and weird cos there's no wake..

My sister and cousin came later at night and sat with me till almost 2am... 

At this point in time, I was awake for almost 48hours and feeling so damn light-headed.. 

After they left, I said a little prayer to him and fell into a deep sleep.

The next day, I went out with lunch with Welly, Santi & Nathaniel.. than we went to NTUC to stock up on drinks as my friends wanted to come over to accompany me and my fridge is empty..

Elson, Debbie, Effendy, Cynthia, Wany came in the evening..

Everyone left around 1am and Nathaniel and Wany stayed with me till 4.45am before I shoo-ed them home to get some rest..

On Monday, Brendan accompanied me the whole day.. we sat at PS Cafe for 7hours before going to TCC at Great World for coffee.. He let me watch "Eat Pray Love" and it inspired me to go to Europe by myself instead of cancelling the trip.

Tuesday morning was spent sleeping and I spent the afternoon crying.. I called Singapore Airlines to cancel and refund Pipimon's ticket, then went to collect my Euro train ticket at Dynasty Travel (and sent his ticket for refund), then met up with Wany & Nathaniel for dinner at Liang Court.

Today I went to JB with Elson to colour our hair together and we ate Japanese food for lunch and both of us drank coffee at Coffeebean and basically just chit chat for a few hours before heading back to Singapore.

Everyone keep asking me "Are you ok?"...

I don't want pity. I don't want fake sympathy. I want company. I need to have positiveness around me.. I need to have happy people around me instead of people giving me the sad face and asking me if I am ok.. I am not ok! What are you gonna do? Pity me? Cry with me? That's not going to help me cos I am crying my eyes out whenever I am alone.

I am so sick of crying. I have permanent triple eyelids and my right eye is bigger than my left eye now.

I am strong.. too strong to show others my weak side.

I let my guard down and cried so badly during the funeral/burial cos I was so distraught that day.. but that won't happen again.. 

It's not only sadness I am feeling.. It's regret, guilt and despair.. on the only bright side I can see, I am glad I stayed by his side the past few months even though I wanted to leave him because I don't see a future with him together. Even though I've stopped loving him, I still stayed by his side taking care of him. I am glad I did not leave him to suffer alone in silence.

I never had someone so close to me died before. And I was the one who found the body..

I always say I don't believe in God but I really hope He exist.. I pray that he goes to Heaven and he is in a happier place.

I thank God for the friends I have who stood by me this difficult time. 

God bless him and everyone around me.