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Monday, March 14, 2011

Why I joined and left the travel trade, again.


People keep asking me.. why you quit? Why you leave? Especially since my boss at Nam Ho even promoted me to Supervisor position within 2 months of me joining the company cos he believed in my ability.

So many whys, and I always give different answers, depending on my mood.

I'm in a "sharing mood" today, so I shall answer the question truthfully and to the best of my ability..

Ask any tourleader for their reason to be in the trade. Most of them will say they like to travel, they like to meet new people, they need to feed their families, they want to see the world..

For me, the reason why I like to lead tours is because I enjoy seeing families having fun together and being a family unit.

You may think it's a stupid reason, or you may also think I am bullshitting.. But it's true. Seeing the beautiful and heart-warming family 'moments' really reminds me of my own happy family memories before our family was broken up and I was cast aside like garbage because I am too stubborn and had "principles".

I remember when I was very young.. like 6 years old.. My mum's sister asked me a very serious question: "Who will you follow if your parents divorced?". That's a very weird question to ask a 6 year old, but strangely I remembered my answer very clearly: "Neither." Fast forward today, I am standing by my word.. not because I choose to, but because I was forced to.

It's difficult for people to understand why I have such strong negative feelings for my parents. Well, I shall not wash dirty linen in public, but bottom-line is.. you will not know or understand how I feel cos you did not go through the same experience as me. You can say "it's just a misunderstanding" or other stupid reasons that are based on assumptions and what you think you know.. It's easy to talk when you have a roof over your head, an inheritance waiting for you, loving family that are you can have dinners with and share everything with. You really don't understand or will ever understand until you are standing in the shoes I am in right now.

I really don't understand. Like, having Chloe as a pet.. I can't even imagine giving her away, abandoning her and even the thought of her having to die in a short span of 10-15 years sometimes send me into panic attacks and I will cry like siao and go and hug her and somehow she will know I am upset and start licking me nonstop and sitting on my lap and cuddling me and refuse to leave my side.. I cannot imagine my life without her. If I can have such strong feelings for a dog, and even a dog can show affection and love, how can my own parents be so heartless?

Kids with divorced parents usually have one parent who want to fight for their custody and care for them and love them. If they are lucky, both parents will vie for their love and attention and shower them with the best they can give so they will gain the child's affection and make-up to them for breaking up the family and also for their failed marriage.

For me, it's like the chinese saying: "两头不靠岸". My mum never loved me and my dad stopped loving me. My two siblings are lucky, because they have both sides' love. My mum brings them on holidays and dinners and give them pocket money. They are staying with my dad in his East Coast Condominum and being driven around in their numerous cars and going on holidays and receiving pocket money.

When I was younger, my favoruite time of the year will always be when the whole family getting to go oversea for a holiday. That is the only time I am able to see my Daddy from morning till night for a whole week! It's the only time where our family can spend quality time together and be a proper family where we sleep together, play together and have all our meals together!

So, when I am on my tour leading.. I always imagine myself to be that little girl where her Daddy helped her wear her skiing shoes and teached her to ski on the ski slopes, or the little boy whose Mummy constantly fussed over and bought him all his favourite food. I envy the girls whose Daddy brought to the clothing shops and helped them pick out clothes and paying for them. Or the Mummy who bought toys back for her kids who did not come on her holiday..

If you were one of my customers, you would have noticed that I absolutely love taking pictures for you and your family. I'm always at the side waiting for you to whip out your camera. You did not even have to ask me.. I will come over and smile and help you take pictures at different angles so you can choose your favourite ones and delete the ones you don't like. That's because I want to help your family preserve and keep the happy memories on film forever.

Sometimes, I meet extra nice customers and they treat me as family. They invite me to take photos with them, buy me yummy food, and even offered to match-make me with their son/newphew/cousin (though I have to politely decline. Haha)! I am blessed to even have some of them becoming my friends and they also keep me in their thoughts and never forget me when they go on other holidays and buy me souveniers.

It's really difficult to keep putting up a cheerful facade and happy face all the time. It's really really tiring. Don't you know that the sometimes, the happier someone seems.. it may because they are hiding a lot of sadness in their life and they just want to appear to be strong?

So... this is the 1 and only reason why I joined the travel trade, seeing families having fun together.. But sometimes, it also makes me so depressed. :( That's why I left, again.

Will I go back again? Maybe.. when I am stronger to overcome my own personal obstacles.

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